2011 - Exposed
I don’t normally do actual blog posting on here, but I felt inspired to do so from my brother who did a reflection of his year therefore I thought I’d do one of my own. When I do these they tend to get pretty long and you’ve been warned.
Recently, a good friend of mine had me list my issues with relationships after hours of talking, I felt like I was in therapy, but it helped a lot. Through the talk we discovered that my issues were my Pride, Insecurities, Opening up, Being honest with how I feel, Assumptions, Impossible Standards, and I Self-Sabotage which all ultimately had me crashing and burning. It’s crazy because these were all issues I never realized I had and now it’s time to face them.
I’ve always known that I held back a lot of things only because I was trying to be strong. Being strong can be defeating, I mean seriously it’s hard. At the time my grandmother passed away it felt like the right thing to do and it might as well have been since I felt so alone, I probably wouldn’t have been able to move on if it weren’t for the idea of staying strong. However, this year in one aspect of my life it cost me what could have possibly been the best thing I have ever experienced with a truly great person.
You see as these almost six years passed since my grandma I’ve had a wall so thick nobody could get in, it was part of trying to be strong and preventing myself from being hurt. It got to the point where I became so cynical and disgusted of relationships because I’ve seen so many that have failed… ones that I thought would last forever, didn’t. Fights and break ups happened all the time and I would have to hear and see the pain from the people I cared about. Significant others playing games and cheating. It was all to hard to watch and I never understood why they ever thought it was even worth going through it all. It just didn’t seem like something I ever wanted to get into so I justified my negative views… but deep down, I guess I did.
A regrettable decision snatched my chance to fully experience a great connection with someone - A relationship that should have rooted from a meaningful friendship. I broke ALL my rules only to hurt myself in the end. I could of had it, but I didn’t want it which led me to make such poor and stupid decisions. We did have it, but that real friendship wasn’t all there. I’m now paying for it because I’m craving for the friendship we could of built a while ago. I just wonder if it’s too late. While there may be regret there’s also something learned. I’m not closing myself off from letting someone in and I guess dating in general because I liked the feeling of having someone there whose company I enjoy and vice versa, who I can learn about and I can open up to with no hesitation, where you don’t have to work for it because it just comes so easy and natural to be together. It’s very rare to find that. I’m not going to be constantly looking for it, but if I get the chance to do it again with someone then I wont turn it away.
And all this could of, would of, should of… well I can’t keep saying that because what’s done is done and I’m moving on.
I’m ready for 2011 to end…
Here’s to 2012 and keeping an open mind and taking chances!!
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